The Life Of Problems: Kanye’s Mild Meltdown

When Kanye West claims his new album is a gospel record, we believe him. When that record opens with a child yelling the word of God and carries beautifully into Ultralight Beam, complete with a pristine choir and the line, “This is a God dream”, it’s hard to dispute. That is of course until you let the record play. From bizarre sexual rants to the absurd notion that he and Kim K might be Mary and Joseph, The Life Of Pablo is a completely hilarious affair. I haven’t seen a superstar age with less grace since Cait Jenner. Ride with me while we track the mild meltdown of Kanye West via some of The Life Of Pablo’s most ridiculous moments.

1. “Pray for Paris, pray for the parents.” Sweet, isn’t he? This moment of heartfelt honesty comes by way of the opening track “Ultralight Beam”. You hear it and instantly feel a flicker of hope that we won’t be washed away by the inevitable bag of Yeezy douche we’ve come to know and love for the last decade…but there’s no chance. See below.

2. “Now if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole, and I get bleach on my tee shirt, I’mma feel like an asshole.” These completely silly and simplistic sentiments are the first bars rapped on Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1. Does Kim have a bleached asshole? And did it leak on Kanye’s tee? Was that tee from Yeezy Season 3? Does anyone else realize that Yeezy clothing is made by Adidas? Has anyone ever paid two stacks for ANYTHING made by Adidas? I digress.

3. “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.” The Taylor referenced? Taylor Swift. The notion that Kanye made Taylor Swift famous? More laughable than the line itself. Just Kanye being insufferable Kanye.

4. Sometimes I wish my dick had Go-Pro. So could play that shit in slow-mo. I just shot an amateur video; I think I should go pro.” Might I remind you The Life Of Pablo opened with the declaration, “This is a God dream”. God, you’re one freaky motherfucker.

5. I bet me and Ray J would be friends if we ain’t love the same bitch; yeah he might have hit it first, the only problem is I’m rich.” Kanye, we get it, bro. Ray J used to date Kim. He filmed her in some pretty compromising positions. Kanye, do you get it? That same tape made your “bitch” (and mother of your kids) instantly famous; I miss the old Kanye.

6. But I’mma have the last laugh Indian because I’m from a tribe called ‘Check-a-hoe’. Bars.

7. “My ex gave me the best years of her life, I saw a recent picture of her, I guess she’s right.” Not sure if this is shot at Amber Rose, but I’ve seen pictures of her recently. Still bad. That beef with Wiz was more entertaining than this entire record, front to back.

8. “I know there’s corny bitches you wish you could unfollow, I know there’s corny niggas you wish you could unswallow.” Gross. Another Ray J reference? Maybe. We’ve all seen the tape Kanye. She swallowed.

9. “You tried to play nice everybody took advantage. You left the fridge open somebody took a sandwich.” More bars.

10. “Yeezy, Yeezy, Yeezy just jumped over Jumpman.” You played yourself with that one ‘Ye. To be honest, we’re not feeling your energy. If you’re planning to jump over anything in Yeezy’s, for safety sake, please get your ankles taped.

Take an hour of your day and run The Life Of Pablo down. The record is available to purchase via Kanye’s website, and it’s streaming exclusively on Tidal for a week. Enjoy it for equal parts creative genius and genuine comedy. No matter how you break it down, Kanye has once again succeeded at being the most talked about celebrity in the world. He just keeps winning.

J. Dring About Author

My name is J.D, the music fanatic, writer, blogger, and educator. I've been in love with hip hop since Bishop got too close to the ledge. If it moves me, I'll cover it. I've written an unpublished novel, created Shiny Glass Houses, and had my work featured on the Bloglin for Mishka NYC. I'm lurking in the shadows on twitter @ThexGlassxHouse. Read. Comment. Get money.